A little Inspiration on a random Wednesday morning from the back of my Starbuck's cup....10:52:36 AMthere are small steps we can all take in our own lives and communities that can have a real impact. Music
is just one way of making change.
What will you choose?"
-Goapele
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Home Stretch06:08:12 PM(2)
The Old Man That Could.03:39:08 PMIn my field, I meet a lot of people. Sometimes ten, fifteen new people in a day. Some of them amuse me, some of their stories break my heart, some of them elicit pity, some of them enrage me, all of them teach me something about life or myself, and occasionally, one of them inspires me. So is the case with one of my most recent patients. I'll spare you the specific details about the individual as if I told you, well, I guess I'd have to kill you given I'm ethically bound to keep my mouth shut., but I digress....Suffice it to say that this man has lived through unimaginable heartbreak and unbelievable odds..and that's saying a lot coming from someone who spends most of her days in a hospital. Anyway, I was sitting and talking to this man about his impending discharge from the hospital. when he said something to me that I'll never forget...."I've learned something in all this. I've learned that life is not about whether or not the cubs win, or the sox win, or about your job or the weather or all the little things that drive you crazy every day, it's about how you live out your days. You know, I was never really a good father or a good husband. I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to be sitting here talking to you, and yet I am. And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful now for every miniute that I have, every experience that I will still be able to have, every bit of food, every moment with my wife and kids. I never felt like that before. I never understood. What matters is that you enjoy what you have, that you cherish it, that you are the best person that you can be, that you are thankful for having another day, another moment. Because, you know, when it comes time to say goodbye...when I said goodbye to my wife before the surgery..that's what I thought of...all the moments I wouldn't have.You don't realize it, not until you have to think about not having it, think about saying good-bye..all the things that you have. I only hope that I can live the few years that I have left knowing what;'s important." ---He gave me pause. In our world that seems increasingly filled with anger, fear, rising demands and fleeting time I think we often lose sight of what really matters...or take it for granted. Are we so wrapped up in all the negatives, all the what if's, that we lose sight of all of the moments that we are experiencing right now? Now, I'm not saying that anyone can go through life never being made and always feeling thankful, but why dont we ever talk about it? We spend so much time worrying, complaining, focusing on the what should've, could've been that we forget what is. In a world full of can't, won't, don't, watch out, and be afraid, we forget that we can. And that's my story of the Old Man that Could.
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The Inventory...Stolen from at least two different people...04:13:58 PM1. What did you do in 2005 that you've never done before?
Got married, went to Arizona, spent Christmas with my cat and my HUSBAND (it still makes me grin like an idiot to say, write, think that), worked at a hospital (and liked it), watched Scrouged, gave up dairy, and many other things that aren't coming to me at the moment.
2.Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I tend not to make resolutions. I prefer to make goals, and yes, I achieved some goals and will have more goals this year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth.
Not close in the, I spend a lof of time with them kind of way, but yes I know people who've had babies this past year..and more are on the way!
4.Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no. Made it through one more year with all of my loved ones happy and healthy. I'm rejoicing.
5. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2006?
House, yard, puppy...in that order. And maybe more self confidence as well...
6. What countries did you visit?
I didn't go out of the country in '05.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched in your memory and why?
07/30/05...if you don't know why I probably don't know you....but it was my wedding day.
8. What was your bigges achievement of the year?
Getting married, for sure.
9. What was your biggest failure?
It was a good year...I can't think of anything major.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Anyone from my bridal shower remember the great tumble of '05, during which, I made very good friends with a rock hard piece of cement while running. I still harbour scars...The great spill of '05 was then closely followed by the great lava bite, where, much like in the great spill, I made very good friends with a knife sharp piece of lava rock while running. Besides that, thankfully no major illnesses to speak of. I made it anohter year, I'm happy.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Wedding bands.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
First and foremost, my husbands. Then, my bridal party and family, and then, everyone who helped make the wedding happen and who supported us, whether they were there or not.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled or depressed?
Honestly, can't think of anyone. I am sure there are people, but I'd rather not remember those moments.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Duh- Wedding, honeymoon.
15.What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Marriage, biking down a 10,000 ft volcano, Hawaii in general, Christmas, gift giving, Finishing my second to last semester of grad school, liking my internship, Life in general.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
"You're nobody till somebody loves you"
17. Compared to this time last year are you:
happier or sadder: happier
thinner or fatter: 'bout the same
richer or poorer: richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Appreciated how good everything is right now.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worried
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Making 13 dishes, and spending quality time with my husband, cat, and in-laws. Good times.
21.There is no #21. I don't why there is no 21.
22.Did you fall in love in 2005?
All over again.
23. How many one-night stands?
Um, none!!!! I'm married people!!!!
24. What was your favorite t.v. program?
I will always be loyal to the Gilmore Girls, long may the be on the air. I also watched Related, Commander in Chief, West Wing, and the Supernanny. (yikes, that's a lot of t.v.!!)
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate at this time last year?
I don't make a habit of hating people. In other words, no.
26. What was the best book you read?
I read A LOT..mostly fluff to destress and distract myself.....I love Marian Keyes, Candace Bushnell
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Can't say that anything in particular comes to mind at the moment. I seem to be standing my old favorites these days.
28. What did you want a get?
To be N's wife. An awesome digital camera, an amazing honeymoon with my husband, a cool internship...new friends...so many things.
29. THere's no #29 either. Who knows why...
30. What was your favorite film this year?
I can't really remember much..I liked Chronicles of Narnia, Batman Begins, Harry Potter...what else came out this year??!!!
31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you (optional)?
I spent it curled up on the couch eating thai food and watching the snow fall outside with my husband. It was perfect...and I was 26.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning the lottery, or perhaps an infinite money supply..but isn't that always the case?
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2005?
Whatever catches my eye.
34. What kept you sane?
My husband, my cat, running.
35.Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I'm not good with names....
36.What political issue stirred you the most?
This freakin' war that has gone on and on and on..and all things associated with it..Don't even get me started. I mean, come on, why can't we all just get along, seriously?
37. Whom did you miss?
My grandmother (well, I suppose technically step-grandmother, but I think of her as my grandmother). She should've been there to see my walk down the aisle. She would've been happy.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met many people in '05...A lot of Wrays who are really cool, a lot of new friends, and even some of my patients (if nothing else, they give me good stories to tell and keep life interesting).
39. Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2005.
You can do it. You just have to believe in yourself and the possibility that it can happen.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day.
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Happy New Year08:57:21 AM2005 was obviously quite a memorable year.....After all, we got married, spent two weeks in Hawaii, traveled a lot. All in all, for the first time in my life, New Years Eve was kind of bittersweet. I am excited for '06 and yet was sad to see '05 end because it was such a great year. We rang in the New Year quietly, with just a couple of friends and N's dad, but it was great fun. Filled with good food and good times.
So far, '06 has been good to me....spent the first day consuming breakfast in bed (N made the best french toast I've ever tasted), wandering around a WinterWonderland at Navy Pier, watching the Chronicles of Narnia followed by Legally Blond 2 (an odd combination, I know..but it was good). In short, a perfect day spent with my husband. I take that as a sign that '06, like '05 will be good to us.
I have visions of graduations, new careers, houses, and puppy dogs dancing through my head.....-06 here I come. I'm not a fan of resolutions, so I'm not making any, but aside from the house/graduation/job/dog goals, my one other goal for '06 is to do something that I've been wanting to do for a long time, but have been too afraid to try. What is it, you ask? Oh, there are many things....I just have to pick one. :) Stay Tuned for more tales from the New Year.....
And, Happy New Year to all of you reading this out there!
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Stream of Conscious....06:42:10 AM6:50am. I feel like I have blogger's block. I have tried to write this post three times and still nothing. I'm watching the sunrise outside the window and it's pretty....For some reason it reminds me of Alaska. Don't ask me why...maybe it's my brain telling me I need a vacation. There is something so calming about the early morning hours or the last few hours of daylight. It's like there's a promise wrapped up in there somewhere...either for a new day or the end of a long one. It has been a long few weeks...tons of work. Little time to just be. For some reason I have been thinking about pulling out my guitar and playing it....I haven't done it yet so maybe I should. Maybe that's my brain telling me that I miss playing it...... I'm laughing at my cat who is chasing a fly against the window...he really thinks that somehow he will catch it. Pets are an endless source of amusement and comfort....I am excited about the holidays. I used to hate them, but now they have become my favortie time of year. It is funny how things change that way. Writing that last line for some reason reminded me of a reference to Peter Pan, "we all have to grow up, Peter Pan." Today's sunrise has a hopeful feel about it. I like that. On that note, I'll leave you with a quote I came across yesterday that is running through my mind, "just when you think you will never smile again, life comes back." It's very true. Just have to keep the faith when things aren't going your way and eventually things get better. 7:00am. I just reread this post. My brain is apparently like a game of non sequiter this morning. 7:03am Time to get on with the day.
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The Aftermath05:14:41 PMHaving survived three days with the summer plague (otherwise known as some crazy death flu that knocks you on your ass in a matter of hours and keeps on kicking you while you're down for aproximately 72 more after that), and promptly gotten back on my feet just in time to celebrate my Bachlorette party, I can safely say that I am now in the homstretch of the pre-wedding madness. Only 32 more days to go until the Big Event and I am psyched. A word of advise to all those of you joining the wedding boom of 05/06....plan early. Then you'll be sittin' pretty where I am right now. Having finished all the major details and just wrapping up all the last minute ones. Waa hoo!
The Bachlorette party was a blast....A full day of lunching, spa-ing, nail painting, tapas-ing, and Howl at the Moon-ing was just exactly what I'd hoped for. So thanks to all of you who made it out and had a blast with me!
So what am I thinking with 32 days left before I say I do? That I am lucky as hell to have founds such an incredible guy to marry, first and foremost. And second... that I only have to answer "let me spell that for you..That's F like Frank, A like Apple, T like Tomatoe, Y like Yellow, A like apple" to the question "Can I have your last name please?" For 32 more days! :) And that, my friends, is something to celebrate, indeed.
Tick, tock, tick, tock....I shall see you all on the 30th if not before.....
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Tired...02:49:22 PMToo tired for words....so this post will be a photo-journal of some things that are important to me and on my mind....
Read More . . .
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On Race and Ethnicity,,,04:45:31 PMI started summer school this morning. I can't believe it's already June. I wasn't sure I was going to like the class I am taking "Race, Ethnicity, and Culture" but actually, now that I am starting to write my first paper, which is due...well, way too soon for it's own good since this is only really a seven week course, I am finding it actually pretty intellectually stimulating....
Read More . . .
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Little know fact, and other ponderance05:52:56 PMA little known fact about me (unless you've known me for a long time). In college, I wrote a book on Experimental Theatre in Chicago. It was the culmination of a semester long project for the Chicago Arts Program. It was never published, but it was truly a labor of love. Don't ask me why, but I came home from my internship today, saw the book on the shelf, and picked it up to read. It was a strange experience. I don't know if it's the semester ending, half of my graduate school education being almost behind me, or my upcoming wedding, but I have been doing a lot of thinking about how far I've come, and where I'm headed in the future. And I have been pondering something. Do we all lose our passion for work and knowledge as we grow older? Moreover, do we have to? I was SO passionate about what I wrote in the book. So much so that even by just picking it up and flipping through it's pages I can remember some of that feeling. I worked harder on that book than I've worked on anything academic or work related in my life, and those that know me well know I work hard at almost anything I set out to do. I've never been as invested in another academic or career project since. Why is it? Bitterness, disillusionment? Does it have to be this way? I mean, I like being a therapist and learning about therapy, but not in that same pouring my heart and soul into it kind of way....and my thoughts trail off.....
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The QuizPosted by popular demand. Enjoy!
Think you know everything about me? Take the "How Well Do You Know Pauline?" quiz I created on Tickle and see how you score.
Here's my first question:
1. What's my sign?
* Sagitarius
* Libra
* Capricorn
* Pisces
Just click (or copy and paste) this link and you'll be taken to my quiz.
http://connect.tickle.com/test.html?id=qgbLvTuc1MIsD5So&
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How can it bePast the 4th of July already? Time is flying. Everyone told me my life would end up on fast forward after we started planning the wedding. No joke! 4th of July recap. It was good. We ate, ate some more, slept, watched some fire works, slept, ate, relaxed. You get the picture. It was good. So good I'd like to hit the rewind button and not be back at work today. Alas, life must go on. But I've filled my day with greasy chinese food thereby making me less likely to kill my coworkers. Life is good.
In running news....I did a seven miler yesterday. It felt good. So good that I felt the need to reward myself with a huge chocolate peanut butter ice cream cone afterwards. Can we say "I just negated my entire run?". Oh well. It was worth it.
In board game news...we discovered a new game over the weekend. Letterhead. Ever played it? Ever heard of it? Way fun. A cross between scrabble and cards. For the true geek only.
On that note, 33 days and counting....
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Where were youTwo years ago today? How has your life changed?
Today's thoughts. Enough said.
Oh, and I got my hair cut today. It's amazing how half an inch can make you feel like a new person....
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Boredom Sets In...The countdown continues. 43 working days (yes, it is getting that bad....I actually sat at my computer and counted the full working days I have left as a corporate drone). Anyway, on to other news.
Surreal Moment #1: I was walking over to meet N after work when I stumbled upon a Taxi cab sitting on the sidewalk on the corner of State and Randolph. Looked like the guy had taken out part of the stone wall next to Borders Books. I swear I did a double take at least three times wondering what the hell the cab, and the news crews, were doing on the sidewalk. Very weird. (side note: upon watching the news later we discovered that the guy had spun out of control and hit two pedestrians before crashing backwards into the wall...talk about a bad day).
Wishful moment #1: My weekend with the fam. was so good. It was gorgeous. N and I had a blast playing with my niece and nephew (pictures coming soon). It was so good in fact that I would give anything for it to be the weekend right now. Please genie, will you grant me just this one wish...
Bored moment #1: Filing. And more filing. What will I do to amuse myself today? Thoughts?
Hope at least some of you are out there enjoying the sun!
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CloudsI am distracted by the clouds. I should be working and I keep looking out my window and watching them float by. It's a gorgeous sunny day and they are all white and fluffy....I'm really not losing my mind. They are just more interesting than the tasks sitting on my desk. I am reminded of the many afternoons I have spent relaxing in the park watching them drift by. It makes me feel peaceful...and a million miles away from this corporate dreariness. I love it.
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Corporate Drone, Part IIHave you ever had one of those work weeks you think will never end? The kind where you walk out the door in the morning and a bird craps on your shoe, then you get to work only to discover that an inexorbinant amount of work has somehow magically appeared on your desk over the weekend, followed by a whole lot of red tape to plow through in your non-work life that makes all that piled up work seem that much more insurmountable, topped off with some insanely rude person who refuses to take responsibility for themselves trying to force you to do their job when you can barely keep your head above water..and finally, when you think you can't bear it anymore, finished off with a great big dose of "i don't give a damn" from your thankless and unsupportive boss who cares more about making it to the gym on time then backing his employees. Ahhh..Corporate America, how I love thee.
T minus 3 months and counting....And not a moment too soon.
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T Minus 14 Weeks and Counting...Until my life no longer revolves around Corporate America and not a moment too soon. So what does it feel like to be a corporate drone? Let's reflect...I have just spent the past four and a half hours sitting here punching numbers into a computer program that then tells me whether a file is "in" or "out". This has been my existence. I just listened to an entire CD of...something....I can't even remember. This is how badly my brain wishes to be someplace else. I think, over the past couple of years, I have managed to actually turn off my brain in some strange form of meditation while at work. Or allow it to do one task (see boring description above) while thinking about something else. I think that's what it really means to be a corporate drone. You're here, but you're not here. You do things, but you barely remember at the end of the day what they were. The days pass one not unlike the other unless something catastrophic occurs. And eventually your sentence is over, you move on with your life, and ten years from now I hope to be sitting on my couch laughing about my "first" office job.
After three weeks traveling off and on to three different states I am all the more ready to bid this 9-5 farewell for clearer waters, sunnier days, and work that is something at least remotely akin to fulfilling. Oh to be sitting by the sunny bay in San Francisco, hiking the mountains of Denver, or running by the Charles in Boston. Fond memories as the countdown continues....
T minus 13 weeks, 3 days, 3 hours, 24 minutes and counting....
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The girl I thought I'd never be...and Who I am now.The girl I thought I'd never be:
Life on high speed.
Planning my wedding, going to graduate school.
Happy, fullfilled. Content.
Glad to wake up in the morning and to live each day for what it is.
The girl I am now: Look above. I am the girl I thought I'd never be.
Think it can't be you?
So did I.
Have Faith.
Life will come around when you least expect it to.
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SolaceApril 1st....March madness is officially over. And I don't mean the basketball season. Spring is in the air. I love this time of year. It inspires me to be the person I always dream of being. With plenty of hours to spend doing things you love with people you love I feel more alive and at peace. Solace. April first brings me Solace and comfort in knowing that the long winter is coming to an end. And I have so much to look forward to with my upcoming travels with N, running, and schoool. And since the title of this entry is Solace, I'll share with you something I dug up yesterday that also brings me comfort and joy...Happy April everyone!
We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.
-Maya Angelou
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Gramma's WisdomAnother Monday Morning and I am feeling pensive....
My grandmother was an amazing woman. if anyone knew how to live, she did. She taught me how to laugh, how to stand strong, and how to love unconditionally and without regret. I have been thinking about her a lot lately, as I always do this time of year. I wish she could've met N, they would have loved each other. And I wish she could've seen that I fulfilled her dying wish for me and got a full time job. But she would be proud of the shape my life is taking and in celebration of my thoughts of her I'm sharing a few of her pearls of wisdom....
"It is the small things in life that are the most meaningful. Stop and listen to the birds chirp, look at the stars, smell the flowers, and feel the sun on your face."
"Hold on to the good people in your life and let the destructive ones go. Make the choice to surround yourself with people that love you."
"Laugh. And laugh again. And laugh some more."
and the most important....
"Believe in yourself and believe that you can and will accomplish great things."
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